‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Report: Of Course That Guy On College’s Alumni Committee Now

PHILADELPHIA—Noting his particular temperament and his ubiquitous presence in virtually all aspects of student leadership, members of the University of Pennsylvania’s class of 2015 said Tuesday that of course that guy is on the alumni committee now. “Sounds about right,” said Dan Tramell, 22, adding that if any of his roughly 2,500 classmates was going to volunteer for the position, it would naturally be that guy, who not only was student government president but also led the senior class gift campaign. “I mean, who else?” At press time, sources confirmed that—surprise, surprise—the guy had also submitted his recent job promotion to the alumni magazine’s “Announcements” section.

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