adBlockCheck

Recent News

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Crane Operator Last Remaining Fulfilling Occupation In U.S.

WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that crane operator is the last career in the United States that offers personal fulfillment. "With its flexible hours, surprisingly high pay, and clear sense of what the job's goal is and how to accomplish it, crane operator easily ranks above every other American profession in terms of basic worker satisfaction," read the report, which also noted that the occupation is the only remaining job that does not fill workers with a sense of deep malaise or existential angst. "Every single documented utterance of the phrase 'I love my job' over the past 10 years has occurred in a crane." The report also indicated that the career next closest to offering any sense of gratification was tugboat captain, as people with that job get to watch seagulls and only entertain thoughts of suicide three times a week.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close