Report: Crane Operator Last Remaining Fulfilling Occupation In U.S.

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Holiday

Report: Crane Operator Last Remaining Fulfilling Occupation In U.S.

WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that crane operator is the last career in the United States that offers personal fulfillment. "With its flexible hours, surprisingly high pay, and clear sense of what the job's goal is and how to accomplish it, crane operator easily ranks above every other American profession in terms of basic worker satisfaction," read the report, which also noted that the occupation is the only remaining job that does not fill workers with a sense of deep malaise or existential angst. "Every single documented utterance of the phrase 'I love my job' over the past 10 years has occurred in a crane." The report also indicated that the career next closest to offering any sense of gratification was tugboat captain, as people with that job get to watch seagulls and only entertain thoughts of suicide three times a week.

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