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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
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Report: Crooked Border Guards Planting Illegal Immigrants In Cars

WASHINGTON—A federal probe revealed Friday that at least six U.S. border guards have been caught on tape attempting to boost arrests by planting illegal immigrants in cars entering the United States from Mexico. "In a typical scenario, suspected smugglers are asked to step out of their vehicles, and while one agent interrogates them, another slips an undocumented underneath the front seat," said investigator Douglas Jennings, showing grainy surveillance footage to reporters. "One immigrant we know of has been used as evidence in 12 separate cases." The report comes on the heels of allegations last week that Canadian border guards have been slipping extra medication into Americans' cars simply because the drivers looked like they could really use it.

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