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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: Danny Ainge Got Tons Of Pussy At BYU

PROVO, UT—Following BYU's dismissal of one of its basketball players for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, teammates of former BYU star Danny Ainge confirmed Friday that the shooting guard got shitloads of pussy when he was enrolled at the school, fucking a different girl every night of the week from 1977 to 1981. "'All-The-Way Ainge' was boning chicks constantly. In fact, I remember his dorm room just reeking of pussy," said former BYU center Greg Kite, adding that Ainge was known across campus as "The Pussy Magnet," "The Pussy Vacuum," and "The Pussyhound of the Baskervilles." "In the 1979 NCAA tournament, he bent some woman over the laundry hamper in the locker room and fucked her from behind during halftime. For the rest of the game, whenever he handled the basketball, it smelled like pussy." Former Cougars power forward Fred Roberts recalled that Ainge liked to make women do all the work during sex, a style Ainge often referred to as "putting my cock on cooze control."

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