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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Danny Ainge Got Tons Of Pussy At BYU

PROVO, UT—Following BYU's dismissal of one of its basketball players for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, teammates of former BYU star Danny Ainge confirmed Friday that the shooting guard got shitloads of pussy when he was enrolled at the school, fucking a different girl every night of the week from 1977 to 1981. "'All-The-Way Ainge' was boning chicks constantly. In fact, I remember his dorm room just reeking of pussy," said former BYU center Greg Kite, adding that Ainge was known across campus as "The Pussy Magnet," "The Pussy Vacuum," and "The Pussyhound of the Baskervilles." "In the 1979 NCAA tournament, he bent some woman over the laundry hamper in the locker room and fucked her from behind during halftime. For the rest of the game, whenever he handled the basketball, it smelled like pussy." Former Cougars power forward Fred Roberts recalled that Ainge liked to make women do all the work during sex, a style Ainge often referred to as "putting my cock on cooze control."

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