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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Report: Danny Ainge Got Tons Of Pussy At BYU

PROVO, UT—Following BYU's dismissal of one of its basketball players for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, teammates of former BYU star Danny Ainge confirmed Friday that the shooting guard got shitloads of pussy when he was enrolled at the school, fucking a different girl every night of the week from 1977 to 1981. "'All-The-Way Ainge' was boning chicks constantly. In fact, I remember his dorm room just reeking of pussy," said former BYU center Greg Kite, adding that Ainge was known across campus as "The Pussy Magnet," "The Pussy Vacuum," and "The Pussyhound of the Baskervilles." "In the 1979 NCAA tournament, he bent some woman over the laundry hamper in the locker room and fucked her from behind during halftime. For the rest of the game, whenever he handled the basketball, it smelled like pussy." Former Cougars power forward Fred Roberts recalled that Ainge liked to make women do all the work during sex, a style Ainge often referred to as "putting my cock on cooze control."

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