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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: David Segui's Awesome Parents Let Him Use Human Growth Hormone

BALTIMORE—Former Baltimore Orioles designated hitter David Segui admitted last week that, although he did regularly use human growth hormones throughout his 14-year career, he used them with the full permission of his "fuckin' awesome" parents. "They are really open-minded people, and approached my using HGH the same way they approached my experimentation with alcohol and marijuana when I brought them into the house," Segui said. "As long as I respected my mom and dad enough to take HGH in front of them, they said I could take, within safe limits, as many human growth hormones as I wanted." Segui added that maybe the reason Arizona Diamondbacks relief pitcher Jason Grimsley is in so much trouble for taking HGH is because he lied to his parents instead of coming clean right away.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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