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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service

WASHINGTON—Noting that almost two-thirds of the nation’s postal workers were occupied with sorting and delivering the packages at any given time, an audit released Thursday by the U.S. Postal Service revealed that delivering college recruitment letters to five-star athletes comprises 83 percent of the agency’s annual revenue. “Between high-gloss ‘Wanted’ posters depicting the player’s face, poster-sized mockups of athletes in a college team’s uniform, and handwritten notes from coaches emphasizing that the player is their missing piece to a national championship, correspondence from college athletics departments make up more than four out of every five deliveries from the Postal Service,” the report read in part, adding that the overwhelming majority of the nearly 500 million pieces of mail processed each day are part of universities’ efforts to recruit the nation’s approximately 50 best high school football and basketball players. “Of course, this figure also includes the millions of invitations to official campus visits and letters congratulating players on their recent high school playoff victory. In fact, throughout the month leading up to National Signing day, 97 percent of all overnight mail are letters from colleges to just six or seven still undecided recruits.” A recent analytics report released by Twitter also found that 68 percent of all direct messages are sent from assistant college coaches telling 15-year-old high school quarterbacks they could be the next Peyton Manning.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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