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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service

WASHINGTON—Noting that almost two-thirds of the nation’s postal workers were occupied with sorting and delivering the packages at any given time, an audit released Thursday by the U.S. Postal Service revealed that delivering college recruitment letters to five-star athletes comprises 83 percent of the agency’s annual revenue. “Between high-gloss ‘Wanted’ posters depicting the player’s face, poster-sized mockups of athletes in a college team’s uniform, and handwritten notes from coaches emphasizing that the player is their missing piece to a national championship, correspondence from college athletics departments make up more than four out of every five deliveries from the Postal Service,” the report read in part, adding that the overwhelming majority of the nearly 500 million pieces of mail processed each day are part of universities’ efforts to recruit the nation’s approximately 50 best high school football and basketball players. “Of course, this figure also includes the millions of invitations to official campus visits and letters congratulating players on their recent high school playoff victory. In fact, throughout the month leading up to National Signing day, 97 percent of all overnight mail are letters from colleges to just six or seven still undecided recruits.” A recent analytics report released by Twitter also found that 68 percent of all direct messages are sent from assistant college coaches telling 15-year-old high school quarterbacks they could be the next Peyton Manning.

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