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Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs

PHOENIX—According to a new report released by the Elias Sports Bureau on Friday, the Arizona Diamondbacks are without a doubt in the 2011 MLB playoffs. “Though it seems strange at first, we’ve found that if you examine the regular season standings, the Diamondbacks were better than every other team in their division,” the report read in part, adding that the lowercase “y” next to their name is also a surefire indicator that the Diamondbacks have moved on to the postseason. “Mathematically, they earned the right to compete in the National League Division Series. Also, the fact that they are scheduled to play in a playoff game solidifies the notion that they are indeed in the playoffs.” Despite the overwhelming evidence, however, the report goes on to explain that the Diamondbacks being in the playoffs is “unbelievable” and “fucking ridiculous.”

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