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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs

PHOENIX—According to a new report released by the Elias Sports Bureau on Friday, the Arizona Diamondbacks are without a doubt in the 2011 MLB playoffs. “Though it seems strange at first, we’ve found that if you examine the regular season standings, the Diamondbacks were better than every other team in their division,” the report read in part, adding that the lowercase “y” next to their name is also a surefire indicator that the Diamondbacks have moved on to the postseason. “Mathematically, they earned the right to compete in the National League Division Series. Also, the fact that they are scheduled to play in a playoff game solidifies the notion that they are indeed in the playoffs.” Despite the overwhelming evidence, however, the report goes on to explain that the Diamondbacks being in the playoffs is “unbelievable” and “fucking ridiculous.”

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