Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs

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Vol 47 Issue 39

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs

PHOENIX—According to a new report released by the Elias Sports Bureau on Friday, the Arizona Diamondbacks are without a doubt in the 2011 MLB playoffs. “Though it seems strange at first, we’ve found that if you examine the regular season standings, the Diamondbacks were better than every other team in their division,” the report read in part, adding that the lowercase “y” next to their name is also a surefire indicator that the Diamondbacks have moved on to the postseason. “Mathematically, they earned the right to compete in the National League Division Series. Also, the fact that they are scheduled to play in a playoff game solidifies the notion that they are indeed in the playoffs.” Despite the overwhelming evidence, however, the report goes on to explain that the Diamondbacks being in the playoffs is “unbelievable” and “fucking ridiculous.”

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