adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Dwyane Wade Left Cell-Phone Charger In China

MIAMI—After turning on his cell phone upon landing at the Miami International Airport Monday, Team USA basketball guard and gold medalist Dwyane Wade reportedly realized he had forgotten his phone's charger in his Beijing hotel room. "Shoot, I know exactly where it is, too," said Wade, adding that the charger is located in the outlet near the sink—not the sink in the bathroom but the sink just outside the bathroom. "I wonder if they could send it back to me. Or maybe I should just forget about it and buy a new one. Dammit, they're like 40 bucks." Wade seemed to reach a decision mere moments later, wondering aloud if the Radio Shack near his house is open after 9 p.m.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close