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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Report: Election May Come Down To Single Candidate

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the New America Foundation, the race for the presidency could potentially culminate in exclusive victory by a single contender. "Data from the last 55 consecutive presidential elections strongly suggest that, come Nov. 5, one person and one person alone will assume the coveted title president-elect," said political analyst Lawrence O'Donnell, the report's main author. "We had assumed this election would be determined by a number of different factors—Jewish voters in Florida, blue-collar workers in Ohio, or dissatisfaction with the economy, for example—but the data were conclusive: This race is going to boil down to one man." O'Donnell added that the contest could very well hinge upon winning a majority of the electoral college votes apportioned to the 50 states and the District of Columbia.

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