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Report: Employers Know Within First 5 Minutes Of Job Interview Whether They Will Murder Applicant

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Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
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Report: Employers Know Within First 5 Minutes Of Job Interview Whether They Will Murder Applicant

NEW YORK—Confirming years of anecdotal evidence on workplace hiring practices, a new study conducted by psychologists at New York University has found that employers typically know within the first five minutes of a job interview with a prospective employee whether or not they will murder the applicant. “First impressions are everything, and our research shows that no matter how good someone looks on paper, an employer can generally tell almost as soon as a job applicant walks through the door if this is someone they will soon violently kill,” lead researcher Dr. Laura Hollander said of the study, adding that initial factors such as an applicant’s eye contact, facial expression, energy level, and posture are often all that’s needed for employers to know for certain if they are going to slit that person’s throat and stuff their corpse in a supply closet. “One seasoned human resources manager, for example, told us that he typically knows as soon as the first handshake whether he’s going to murder an applicant on the spot or, alternatively, follow the applicant home that evening and bash his or her head in with a rock. Sure, once in a while an applicant can really shine at the end of an interview and overcome an unimpressive start, but in general, people need to be on their game from minute one if they want to prove to prospective employers that they’re someone who deserves to live.” Researchers added that despite the study’s intimidating findings, job applicants can improve their odds of surviving the first interview by preparing responses for a range of potential questions, dressing professionally, and always carrying a concealed weapon in an ankle holster.

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