Report: End Zones Are The 2 Big Trees And The Parking Lot

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Vol 50 Issue 26

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

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Independence Day is quickly approaching, which means many friends and families are purchasing fireworks to set off in celebration.

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Report: End Zones Are The 2 Big Trees And The Parking Lot

BEND, OR—Verifying that the size of the field is about right for a five-on-five game, reports out of Hillside Park confirmed Wednesday that the end zones are the two big trees and the edge of the parking lot. According to sources at the scene, the blue sweatshirt behind the trees marks the back of the one end zone, while the dirt patch near all the backpacks on the far side is said to be out of bounds. Early reports also indicated that there’s no tackling near the parking lot because it’s pavement and Adam fucked up his knee over there last time. At press time, several conflicting accounts surfaced suggesting that the two big trees are actually too close together, and someone should reportedly just find two sticks big enough to shove in the ground instead.

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