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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: End Zones Are The 2 Big Trees And The Parking Lot

BEND, OR—Verifying that the size of the field is about right for a five-on-five game, reports out of Hillside Park confirmed Wednesday that the end zones are the two big trees and the edge of the parking lot. According to sources at the scene, the blue sweatshirt behind the trees marks the back of the one end zone, while the dirt patch near all the backpacks on the far side is said to be out of bounds. Early reports also indicated that there’s no tackling near the parking lot because it’s pavement and Adam fucked up his knee over there last time. At press time, several conflicting accounts surfaced suggesting that the two big trees are actually too close together, and someone should reportedly just find two sticks big enough to shove in the ground instead.

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