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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: ESPN's Around The Horn May Be Fixed

NEW YORK—The Sports Talk-Show Gaming Commission announced Monday that Around The Horn, the ESPN program in which competing sports reporters are scored on their analysis, opinions, and snide remarks, is under investigation for a possible point-shaving scandal. "What could have been a haven for spirited debates about sports appears to be nothing more than a front to make certain Las Vegas and Bristol high-rollers richer," said commission chairman Jeremy Schaap, who will further expose the scandal on an upcoming episode of his own ESPN show, Outside The Lines. "Too often, odds-on favorite Jay Mariotti will be in the lead heading into the final minutes, then inexplicably go off on a tangent and be 'muted,' allowing underdog Woody Paige to come from behind and cover the spread. A $100 bet on a guy like Paige can bring in a $5,000 dollar payout in Vegas." Fans of the show say that, if these allegations are true, they will be forced to instead watch Pardon The Interruption, a program where the same exact topics are debated, point-free, at a more convenient time.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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