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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Report: Everyone Watching Football Game Evidently Needs New Car, Shower, Shave

NEW YORK—According to demographic analysis released Tuesday by the Elias Sports Bureau, all 17 million people who watched NFL football games aired from Sunday afternoon through Monday night are so desperately in need of a new car, great quantities of soap, and effective shaving tools that they need to be reminded of these facts during every stoppage in play. "Our study indicates that these men are lacking high-endurance body washes, five-bladed razors, and practical yet sporty urban-utility vehicles with antilock brakes and strong, contemporary styling," said Jonathan Gabrus, head of football statistics at ESB. "It seems like the only way to get the message out is to constantly remind these people using short, persuasive video clips featuring flashy editing and catchy jingles." In a related study, ESB has discovered that baseball fans are prone to car accidents and cannot achieve an erection.

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