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Report: Everyone Watching Football Game Evidently Needs New Car, Shower, Shave

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Report: Everyone Watching Football Game Evidently Needs New Car, Shower, Shave

NEW YORK—According to demographic analysis released Tuesday by the Elias Sports Bureau, all 17 million people who watched NFL football games aired from Sunday afternoon through Monday night are so desperately in need of a new car, great quantities of soap, and effective shaving tools that they need to be reminded of these facts during every stoppage in play. "Our study indicates that these men are lacking high-endurance body washes, five-bladed razors, and practical yet sporty urban-utility vehicles with antilock brakes and strong, contemporary styling," said Jonathan Gabrus, head of football statistics at ESB. "It seems like the only way to get the message out is to constantly remind these people using short, persuasive video clips featuring flashy editing and catchy jingles." In a related study, ESB has discovered that baseball fans are prone to car accidents and cannot achieve an erection.

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