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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Report: Everyone Watching Football Game Evidently Needs New Car, Shower, Shave

NEW YORK—According to demographic analysis released Tuesday by the Elias Sports Bureau, all 17 million people who watched NFL football games aired from Sunday afternoon through Monday night are so desperately in need of a new car, great quantities of soap, and effective shaving tools that they need to be reminded of these facts during every stoppage in play. "Our study indicates that these men are lacking high-endurance body washes, five-bladed razors, and practical yet sporty urban-utility vehicles with antilock brakes and strong, contemporary styling," said Jonathan Gabrus, head of football statistics at ESB. "It seems like the only way to get the message out is to constantly remind these people using short, persuasive video clips featuring flashy editing and catchy jingles." In a related study, ESB has discovered that baseball fans are prone to car accidents and cannot achieve an erection.

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