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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: Everything You've Ever Wanted Has Been Right In Front Of You All Along

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday, everything you have ever wanted—and, indeed, dreamed of—has been right in front of you all along. “If you would just open your eyes, you would see that the woman of your dreams—the sort of girl who could make you happy in ways no other woman ever could—has been right under your nose for years,” the report read in part, adding that if you took just one second to think about it, you would realize that she’s perfect for you. “The evidence is all there: She’s been crazy about you since the day you met, yet somehow you’ve constantly overlooked her. But most significantly, she won’t be around forever, so you’ll just have to step up now if you finally want to understand the real meaning of love.” The report went on to recommend that you just kiss her already.

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