adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Fan Chose To Buy Team’s Away Jersey

GREEN BAY, WI—Reports from Lambeau Field confirmed Sunday that a local Green Bay Packers fan, for whatever reason, evidently decided to at some point buy and now wear the team’s away jersey instead of its traditional green-and-gold jersey. “I don’t know why he didn’t just get the home one—he’s the only person at the game not wearing it,” said 29-year-old onlooker Alex Zimmer, noting that the Packers’ white away jersey is practically indistinguishable from every other team’s away jersey, all of which are also white. “It’s not like the away looks that much better or is any cheaper than the regular one. And I think he got it customized with his own name on the back, because that definitely isn’t the name of anyone on the team. Why not just get Aaron Rodgers or Clay Matthews? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy?” Baffled sources later added that based on the stitching, the jersey appears to be authentic, meaning the idiot must have reportedly blown at least 300 bucks on that fucking thing.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close