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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Fans Enjoy Waving Things Around

NEW YORK—A joint report from all professional and amateur sporting leagues unanimously confirmed Thursday that fans enjoy waving random things around, typically above their heads, while attending athletic events. "Shirts, signs, their arms, any color of towel—basically we found that if a fan has the ability to hold something in his or her hand, there's a good chance he'll wave it around," Gina Keller, a representative of Major League Baseball, told reporters. "Our findings indicate that fans believe waving things around when their team is winning builds momentum, and waving things around when their team is losing motivates players to attempt comebacks. In short, fans like waving things." Keller added that a new report, expected to be released this December, should confirm that outcomes of sporting events would be the same if fans cheered loudly during games or just sat in absolute silence.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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