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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Fax Machines Still Pretty Impressive If You Think About It

WASHINGTON—Fax machines, despite using 40-year-old technology and having come into prominence in the 1980s, are actually still pretty impressive if you think about it, a new Brookings Institute report confirmed Tuesday. “Yes, the words ‘fax machine’ evoke this arcane image of a bulky telephone apparatus that makes a dial-up modem sound, but come on, if you take a step back and think about how, with one press of a button, it’s capable of transmitting a facsimile of a document thousands of miles away over a standard telephone line, there’s no way you can’t find that slightly remarkable,” the report read in part, adding that one has to admit that even with all the technological advancements over the years, the fact that fax machines are still viable communication devices in offices around the world is “pretty damn amazing.” “People still use these things. They rely on them. It’s not uncommon for someone to say, ‘Send me a fax.’ When’s the last time you heard someone say, ‘Can I borrow your Discman?’ See what we’re saying?” The report concluded that the mere fact we’re even talking about fax machines right now should be evidence enough of how great they still are.

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