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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing evidence culled from Internet and cellular phone chatter, the FBI announced Monday that they have "significant reason to believe" that, in the coming weeks, someone in the continental United States is planning to illegally download the 2003 film Old School.

"We will stop at nothing to ensure that this outrageous violation of copyright law does not occur on our soil," said FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III, adding that his best agents are working around the clock trying to prevent the digital theft of the popular comedy. "We are the last line of defense between the intellectual property rights of DreamWorks and total anarchy. We can only pray we'll be able to stop this criminal plot before it is too late."

If the perpetrator is not caught, Mueller said, the film's distributor stands to suffer monetary damages totaling  as much as .03 dollars.

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