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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing evidence culled from Internet and cellular phone chatter, the FBI announced Monday that they have "significant reason to believe" that, in the coming weeks, someone in the continental United States is planning to illegally download the 2003 film Old School.

"We will stop at nothing to ensure that this outrageous violation of copyright law does not occur on our soil," said FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III, adding that his best agents are working around the clock trying to prevent the digital theft of the popular comedy. "We are the last line of defense between the intellectual property rights of DreamWorks and total anarchy. We can only pray we'll be able to stop this criminal plot before it is too late."

If the perpetrator is not caught, Mueller said, the film's distributor stands to suffer monetary damages totaling  as much as .03 dollars.

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