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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Report: Female Interns Earn Only Three-Fourths Of College Credit That Male Counterparts Do

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, female interns earn just three-quarters of the college credit that male interns receive for the same work. “Despite completing the same photocopying, collating, and other routine internship tasks as their male counterparts, women received an average of 2.25 credits, compared with men’s average of 3.0,” read the report, which found that the credit discrepancy existed across a variety of geographical regions and industries. “There definitely seems to be a credit ceiling for women. We consistently found that even women who fetched coffee, retrieved files, or ordered printer toner better than males in similar positions were nonetheless unable to advance beyond the 75-percent limit.” The study also concluded, however, that the sexual harassment gap between male and female interns had narrowed notably in recent years, with female interns now receiving 95 percent of improper sexual advances, down some 4 percent from previous studies.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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