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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Report Finds Koch Brothers Increasingly Falling Under Control Of Influential, High-Powered Trillionaire

WASHINGTON—Saying their benefactor sways their positions on everything from healthcare to the environment to economic policy, a new report released Thursday by the Center for Transparent Government found that the Koch brothers are increasingly falling under the influence of a mysterious, high-powered trillionare. “We uncovered evidence suggesting that Charles and David Koch have become nothing but mouthpieces for an unknown multi-trillionaire donor who orchestrates every one of their political activities,” said co-author Leah Romero, adding that it was impossible to imagine the Kochs maintaining any independence whatsoever while regularly receiving massive contributions from a patron whose wealth is rumored to rival the GDP of France. “It’s pure corruption. And it’s happening all across the political spectrum—we found that every one of George Soros’ moves is dictated almost to the letter by the beliefs of his own quintillionaire donor.” Romero went on to say that the report underscored the need for greater transparency and financing reforms, without which a few trillionaires will continue to drown out the true will of the nation’s billionaires.

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