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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Report Finds One In Five Americans Struggle With Properly Masking Depression

WASHINGTON—Warning that the problem was even more widespread than previous studies had indicated, a new report published Tuesday in the journal American Psychologist found that one in five Americans struggle with properly masking depression. “According to our research, roughly 20 percent of the population has trouble effectively covering up their feelings of severe despondency and dejection by just acting like everything is fine,” said the report’s lead author, Dr. Lauren McKenny, adding that these individuals showed a marked inability to even pretend that they were excited to be awake and alive. “While most Americans are naturally adept at suppressing their emotions in order to put on a happy face for the rest of the world, we estimate that one-fifth of adults are completely at a loss as to how to lock away their constant sense of sadness and self-loathing so that no one else sees it. In especially severe cases, they may talk openly with friends or family about their depression, even going so far as to acknowledge seeking treatment for it.” McKenny went on to say that she hoped the report’s findings would lead to new medications to help these individuals better suppress their darkest, most painful thoughts while interacting with others.

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