adBlockCheck

Report: Folks, Bette Midler Is Back On Broadway And Not A Minute Too Soon

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Folks, Bette Midler Is Back On Broadway And Not A Minute Too Soon

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by the Brookings Institution, actress, singer, and comedienne extraordinaire Bette Midler is finally back on The Great White Way in a dynamite new one-woman show and, people, it’s about time, too, because that woman is just a knockout performer, pure and simple. “Our analysis shows that the Divine Miss M has returned to Old Broadway in top form and, frankly, would you expect anything less?” read an excerpt from the report, which is right on the money, folks, because that woman can sing, that woman can act, and that woman has more talent in one little finger than most people have in their whole bodies. “Further analysis shows, conclusively, that happy days are here again, friends: The blonde diva’s back in full force as she channels Hollywood super-agent Sue Mengers in a performance that’s vintage Midler. Do yourself a favor and run, don’t walk, to the Booth Theater.” At press time, only Garland and Merman at their peaks could hold a candle to Midler, and even saying that might be a bit of a stretch.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close