adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Folks, Bette Midler Is Back On Broadway And Not A Minute Too Soon

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by the Brookings Institution, actress, singer, and comedienne extraordinaire Bette Midler is finally back on The Great White Way in a dynamite new one-woman show and, people, it’s about time, too, because that woman is just a knockout performer, pure and simple. “Our analysis shows that the Divine Miss M has returned to Old Broadway in top form and, frankly, would you expect anything less?” read an excerpt from the report, which is right on the money, folks, because that woman can sing, that woman can act, and that woman has more talent in one little finger than most people have in their whole bodies. “Further analysis shows, conclusively, that happy days are here again, friends: The blonde diva’s back in full force as she channels Hollywood super-agent Sue Mengers in a performance that’s vintage Midler. Do yourself a favor and run, don’t walk, to the Booth Theater.” At press time, only Garland and Merman at their peaks could hold a candle to Midler, and even saying that might be a bit of a stretch.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close