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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Report: Fritz A Fine Name For A Boy

VIENNA—Citing its strong character and imperial heritage, a report from the local gentry confirmed Tuesday that when considering a name for one’s son, one could do little better than Fritz, for it is truly a fine, fine name for a boy. “Fritz is an excellent name for a young boy; a strong name; a virile name,” said local patriarch Karl Schönburg-Graetz, adding that any strapping young chap would be blessed to bear a Christian moniker with a pedigree as fine as Fritz—why, sources confirmed, it is what his own dear grandpapa was named, don’t you know? “For centuries, noble young boys have been named Fritz, and whyever not? It is a fine name, ideally suited to any firstborn son, such as my own, who is thusly called.” Schönburg-Graetz went on to add that, as far as names for a boy are concerned, Felix would simply not do.

After Birth

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