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After Birth

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Report: Fritz A Fine Name For A Boy

VIENNA—Citing its strong character and imperial heritage, a report from the local gentry confirmed Tuesday that when considering a name for one’s son, one could do little better than Fritz, for it is truly a fine, fine name for a boy. “Fritz is an excellent name for a young boy; a strong name; a virile name,” said local patriarch Karl Schönburg-Graetz, adding that any strapping young chap would be blessed to bear a Christian moniker with a pedigree as fine as Fritz—why, sources confirmed, it is what his own dear grandpapa was named, don’t you know? “For centuries, noble young boys have been named Fritz, and whyever not? It is a fine name, ideally suited to any firstborn son, such as my own, who is thusly called.” Schönburg-Graetz went on to add that, as far as names for a boy are concerned, Felix would simply not do.

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