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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: Game Of Knockout Awesome

CHICAGO—An impromptu game of knockout at Gross Park Sunday involving 10 people and lasting more than 15 minutes was awesome, sources reported. “We had two balls, so we just started playing knockout, and then the game just got really intense and, I have to say, pretty epic,” said 27-year-old participant Drew Carden, who was still catching his breath as he recalled several moments during the rapid-paced foul-shooting game when the action was so compelling he found himself yelling and cheering. “It was Joe [Gamble], [Doug] Foster, and Dave [Stern] down to the wire, and Dave won with this amazing shot all the way from the far corner of the court. He just heaved it up, and it knocked Joe’s ball out of the air and his own bounced in. We all went nuts. It was amazing.” According to sources, everyone agreed to play another game immediately after, though it lasted just three minutes and kind of sucked.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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