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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality

PHILADELPHIA—A report released Wednesday by economists at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that the already massive gap between the world’s ultra-rich and reality is now at historic levels and only continues growing wider each year. “While there has always existed a large, some say unbridgeable divide between those making over $30 million a year and the basic realities of everyday life that exist, have existed, and will continue to exist for the vast majority of lifeforms in the known universe, that divide appears to have grown even more vast within the past few years,” said lead researcher Brian Dalton, explaining that the gulf separating multimillionaires from common, typically pervasive actualities such as financial hardship, spending limitations, hunger, want, doubt, discomfort of any kind, and consequences for their actions is now the largest since 1985. “Despite efforts from international organizations in every country across the world, wealthy businessmen continue drifting further and further apart from any semblance of reality, and within the next decade we will likely find that this gap has become truly insurmountable.” Researchers also stated, however, that the gap between the ultra-rich and utter delusion remains nearly nonexistent.

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