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Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality

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Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money

MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed.
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Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality

PHILADELPHIA—A report released Wednesday by economists at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that the already massive gap between the world’s ultra-rich and reality is now at historic levels and only continues growing wider each year. “While there has always existed a large, some say unbridgeable divide between those making over $30 million a year and the basic realities of everyday life that exist, have existed, and will continue to exist for the vast majority of lifeforms in the known universe, that divide appears to have grown even more vast within the past few years,” said lead researcher Brian Dalton, explaining that the gulf separating multimillionaires from common, typically pervasive actualities such as financial hardship, spending limitations, hunger, want, doubt, discomfort of any kind, and consequences for their actions is now the largest since 1985. “Despite efforts from international organizations in every country across the world, wealthy businessmen continue drifting further and further apart from any semblance of reality, and within the next decade we will likely find that this gap has become truly insurmountable.” Researchers also stated, however, that the gap between the ultra-rich and utter delusion remains nearly nonexistent.

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