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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality

PHILADELPHIA—A report released Wednesday by economists at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that the already massive gap between the world’s ultra-rich and reality is now at historic levels and only continues growing wider each year. “While there has always existed a large, some say unbridgeable divide between those making over $30 million a year and the basic realities of everyday life that exist, have existed, and will continue to exist for the vast majority of lifeforms in the known universe, that divide appears to have grown even more vast within the past few years,” said lead researcher Brian Dalton, explaining that the gulf separating multimillionaires from common, typically pervasive actualities such as financial hardship, spending limitations, hunger, want, doubt, discomfort of any kind, and consequences for their actions is now the largest since 1985. “Despite efforts from international organizations in every country across the world, wealthy businessmen continue drifting further and further apart from any semblance of reality, and within the next decade we will likely find that this gap has become truly insurmountable.” Researchers also stated, however, that the gap between the ultra-rich and utter delusion remains nearly nonexistent.

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