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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: Get Back To Fucking Work

WASHINGTON—An alarming new labor report released just moments ago has concluded that you should stop reading this article right now and get the fuck back to work. “The very latest findings indicate that not one word of what you’re currently reading is even tangentially related to your job, and that you certainly weren’t hired to sit around browsing the goddamn internet all day,” an expert familiar with the report said while your eyes continued to scan this block of text instead of tending to one of the many unopened work-related emails in your inbox. “I don’t know how I can make this any clearer: This report is directed specifically at you. You should not be reading this. You should be working, asshole.” The report concluded that while there are 12 million unemployed Americans who would be extremely grateful to have your job, you seem to think you are entitled to use company time to read this article to the very last goddamn sentence.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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