Report: Get Back To Fucking Work

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Satisfaction

Report: Get Back To Fucking Work

WASHINGTON—An alarming new labor report released just moments ago has concluded that you should stop reading this article right now and get the fuck back to work. “The very latest findings indicate that not one word of what you’re currently reading is even tangentially related to your job, and that you certainly weren’t hired to sit around browsing the goddamn internet all day,” an expert familiar with the report said while your eyes continued to scan this block of text instead of tending to one of the many unopened work-related emails in your inbox. “I don’t know how I can make this any clearer: This report is directed specifically at you. You should not be reading this. You should be working, asshole.” The report concluded that while there are 12 million unemployed Americans who would be extremely grateful to have your job, you seem to think you are entitled to use company time to read this article to the very last goddamn sentence.