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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
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Report: Getting Out Of Bed In Morning Sharply Increases Risk Of Things Getting Even Worse

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday in the Journal Of Applied Psychology, the act of getting out of bed in the morning dramatically increases the risk of things becoming even worse. “No matter how bad things were upon waking up, the very moment our trial subjects pulled off the covers and stepped out of bed, things spiraled even further downward for them in roughly 92 percent of all cases,” said lead researcher Alison Chaudhary, who added that her research team observed no instances in which rising from one’s bed and beginning to go about one’s day improved things for any of the test participants. “In addition, we discovered that the chances of everything going completely and irreversibly downhill rose even higher should one subsequently get dressed and head toward the front door. After that point, once one has left their home, the likelihood of avoiding being weighed down by steadily mounting misery, pain, and humiliation was quite close to zero.” Chaudhary noted that the only guaranteed way to ensure everything doesn’t fall apart right in front of your eyes is to stay in bed, pull a blanket up over your head, and remain there indefinitely without moving.

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