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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything

Sources say they could hear all of this, down to every last sound.
Sources say they could hear all of this, down to every last sound.

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Despite local 22-year-old Sam Tillard’s best efforts to keep things quiet when he was invited home by girlfriend Jenny Nesbitt late last night, a report out this morning has confirmed her parents not only woke up but could hear the two in her bedroom the entire time.

The report stated that even though their lights were off, Dale and Judy Nesbitt—whom Tillard hasn’t formally met yet—were fully aware of what was happening in their 21-year-old daughter’s room, from the moment Tillard coyly mentioned that it felt “so wrong to be doing this in [her] childhood bed” to the moment he collapsed and asked, “Was that good?”

“Nesbitt’s parents could hear when Tillard parked the car, when he and Jenny came inside, when the two snuck upstairs, when they closed the door to her room, and when they got started,” the report read in part, adding that when Tillard paused and asked, “Do you think they’re up?” the middle-aged couple was definitely up. “They could hear the sound of wet lips against skin, their daughter tossing her boots on the floor, and Tillard’s belt buckle jangling as he worked to free himself from his pants.”

“In fact, it’s safe to surmise that from where they were situated in the master bedroom of their thin-walled, 1960s ranch-style home, they could hear everything,” the report continued. “Absolutely everything.”

According to sources, while some of the initial sounds overheard could technically have been from anything, the emergence of sharp, regularly paced intakes of breath could really have only been from one thing.

Nesbitt’s wide-awake parents, who reportedly lay less than 50 feet away staring silently at the ceiling, could distinctly make out the sound of two people rustling around in bed, and heard both male and female voices emitting periodic grunts and occasional shushing noises. The report confirmed that, unfortunately, they were also able to identify the sound of two naked bodies repeatedly slapping against each other.

In addition, sources said, Nesbitt’s 88-year-old grandmother who lives down the hall could hear everything, too.

“When Tillard stopped suddenly in the act and told his girlfriend he thought he heard someone coughing in the next room, his suspicion was justified,” read another part of the report, noting that Nesbitt’s fully alert father had indeed cleared his throat, an involuntary physical response resulting from the discomfort he felt in the situation. “Even Tillard’s whispered ‘We need to quiet down or they’ll hear us’ was overheard.”

“Dale and Judy Nesbitt were also quite conscious of the moment when Tillard resumed thrusting,” the report added.

Although the pair attempted to be as discreet as possible, the report found that the Nesbitts could hear every single compression of the mattress springs, as well as the part where Tillard and their daughter laid down a blanket and moved to the floor for a little bit. This was reportedly no better, as it was accompanied by its own telltale rhythmic thumping.

Reached for comment, Nesbitt’s parents said they were surprised to hear Tillard’s voice coming from the room at all, since to the best of their knowledge their daughter is still seeing “that Mike guy.”

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