Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything

Sources say they could hear all of this, down to every last sound.
Sources say they could hear all of this, down to every last sound.

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Despite local 22-year-old Sam Tillard’s best efforts to keep things quiet when he was invited home by girlfriend Jenny Nesbitt late last night, a report out this morning has confirmed her parents not only woke up but could hear the two in her bedroom the entire time.

The report stated that even though their lights were off, Dale and Judy Nesbitt—whom Tillard hasn’t formally met yet—were fully aware of what was happening in their 21-year-old daughter’s room, from the moment Tillard coyly mentioned that it felt “so wrong to be doing this in [her] childhood bed” to the moment he collapsed and asked, “Was that good?”

“Nesbitt’s parents could hear when Tillard parked the car, when he and Jenny came inside, when the two snuck upstairs, when they closed the door to her room, and when they got started,” the report read in part, adding that when Tillard paused and asked, “Do you think they’re up?” the middle-aged couple was definitely up. “They could hear the sound of wet lips against skin, their daughter tossing her boots on the floor, and Tillard’s belt buckle jangling as he worked to free himself from his pants.”

“In fact, it’s safe to surmise that from where they were situated in the master bedroom of their thin-walled, 1960s ranch-style home, they could hear everything,” the report continued. “Absolutely everything.”

According to sources, while some of the initial sounds overheard could technically have been from anything, the emergence of sharp, regularly paced intakes of breath could really have only been from one thing.

Nesbitt’s wide-awake parents, who reportedly lay less than 50 feet away staring silently at the ceiling, could distinctly make out the sound of two people rustling around in bed, and heard both male and female voices emitting periodic grunts and occasional shushing noises. The report confirmed that, unfortunately, they were also able to identify the sound of two naked bodies repeatedly slapping against each other.

In addition, sources said, Nesbitt’s 88-year-old grandmother who lives down the hall could hear everything, too.

“When Tillard stopped suddenly in the act and told his girlfriend he thought he heard someone coughing in the next room, his suspicion was justified,” read another part of the report, noting that Nesbitt’s fully alert father had indeed cleared his throat, an involuntary physical response resulting from the discomfort he felt in the situation. “Even Tillard’s whispered ‘We need to quiet down or they’ll hear us’ was overheard.”

“Dale and Judy Nesbitt were also quite conscious of the moment when Tillard resumed thrusting,” the report added.

Although the pair attempted to be as discreet as possible, the report found that the Nesbitts could hear every single compression of the mattress springs, as well as the part where Tillard and their daughter laid down a blanket and moved to the floor for a little bit. This was reportedly no better, as it was accompanied by its own telltale rhythmic thumping.

Reached for comment, Nesbitt’s parents said they were surprised to hear Tillard’s voice coming from the room at all, since to the best of their knowledge their daughter is still seeing “that Mike guy.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close