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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything

Sources say they could hear all of this, down to every last sound.
Sources say they could hear all of this, down to every last sound.

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Despite local 22-year-old Sam Tillard’s best efforts to keep things quiet when he was invited home by girlfriend Jenny Nesbitt late last night, a report out this morning has confirmed her parents not only woke up but could hear the two in her bedroom the entire time.

The report stated that even though their lights were off, Dale and Judy Nesbitt—whom Tillard hasn’t formally met yet—were fully aware of what was happening in their 21-year-old daughter’s room, from the moment Tillard coyly mentioned that it felt “so wrong to be doing this in [her] childhood bed” to the moment he collapsed and asked, “Was that good?”

“Nesbitt’s parents could hear when Tillard parked the car, when he and Jenny came inside, when the two snuck upstairs, when they closed the door to her room, and when they got started,” the report read in part, adding that when Tillard paused and asked, “Do you think they’re up?” the middle-aged couple was definitely up. “They could hear the sound of wet lips against skin, their daughter tossing her boots on the floor, and Tillard’s belt buckle jangling as he worked to free himself from his pants.”

“In fact, it’s safe to surmise that from where they were situated in the master bedroom of their thin-walled, 1960s ranch-style home, they could hear everything,” the report continued. “Absolutely everything.”

According to sources, while some of the initial sounds overheard could technically have been from anything, the emergence of sharp, regularly paced intakes of breath could really have only been from one thing.

Nesbitt’s wide-awake parents, who reportedly lay less than 50 feet away staring silently at the ceiling, could distinctly make out the sound of two people rustling around in bed, and heard both male and female voices emitting periodic grunts and occasional shushing noises. The report confirmed that, unfortunately, they were also able to identify the sound of two naked bodies repeatedly slapping against each other.

In addition, sources said, Nesbitt’s 88-year-old grandmother who lives down the hall could hear everything, too.

“When Tillard stopped suddenly in the act and told his girlfriend he thought he heard someone coughing in the next room, his suspicion was justified,” read another part of the report, noting that Nesbitt’s fully alert father had indeed cleared his throat, an involuntary physical response resulting from the discomfort he felt in the situation. “Even Tillard’s whispered ‘We need to quiet down or they’ll hear us’ was overheard.”

“Dale and Judy Nesbitt were also quite conscious of the moment when Tillard resumed thrusting,” the report added.

Although the pair attempted to be as discreet as possible, the report found that the Nesbitts could hear every single compression of the mattress springs, as well as the part where Tillard and their daughter laid down a blanket and moved to the floor for a little bit. This was reportedly no better, as it was accompanied by its own telltale rhythmic thumping.

Reached for comment, Nesbitt’s parents said they were surprised to hear Tillard’s voice coming from the room at all, since to the best of their knowledge their daughter is still seeing “that Mike guy.”

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