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Report: Good Thing World Has Unlimited Quantity Of Oil

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Report: Good Thing World Has Unlimited Quantity Of Oil

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Monday by the Department of Energy, given current consumption habits and the dramatic projected increases in demand from developing countries, it is extremely fortunate that the planet has an inexhaustible supply of crude oil. “Oil is the lifeblood of the world’s economies and global transportation networks, so the fact that our reserves are limitless, even in the face of exponential population growth, is exceptionally fortuitous in terms of maintaining our way of life and increasing our standard of living indefinitely,” the report read in part, while also noting how favorable it is that the world’s oil is spread evenly across the globe, thus eliminating any competition among nations who might otherwise squabble or even skirmish over the valuable yet thankfully infinite natural resource. “Skyrocketing prices, geopolitical crises, and costly, arduous transitions to potentially unviable alternative fuels are luckily issues that neither we nor any subsequent generations will ever have to experience thanks to the bottomless supplies of fossil fuels that exist beneath our feet.” The report also marveled at how fortunate it is that such an abundant energy source is so safe and easy to extract, transport, and burn that we need not give such practices a second thought whatsoever.

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