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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Report: Greg Maddux Can Guess Any Pitcher's WHIP Just By Looking At Them

SAN DIEGO—Padres starter Greg Maddux possesses the uncanny ability to correctly guess any pitcher's WHIP, or walks plus hits per innings pitched, based on that pitcher's appearance alone, NL pitchers reported Monday. "I don't know how he does it, but yesterday during warm-ups, he pointed at me, then Johnny [Cueto], then Francisco [Cordero], and said, '1.28, 1.37, 1.46,'" said Reds starter Edinson Volquez, who had minutes earlier challenged Maddux by betting that the 42-year-old veteran would "never in a million years" be able to guess his WHIP. "The man has a gift." Said Bronson Arroyo: "He sort of stared at me for a minute and said '1.58,' then said 'wait, no,' rubbed his chin a little, asked me to stand up straight, and then said '1.59.' I don't know what my posture has to do with how many runners I allow on base, but I'll be damned if he wasn't exactly right." Pirates starter Tom Gorzelanny is not looking forward to his team's upcoming series against the Padres, as he has been lying about his 1.83 WHIP all season to impress his teammates.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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