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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Report: Greg Maddux Can Guess Any Pitcher's WHIP Just By Looking At Them

SAN DIEGO—Padres starter Greg Maddux possesses the uncanny ability to correctly guess any pitcher's WHIP, or walks plus hits per innings pitched, based on that pitcher's appearance alone, NL pitchers reported Monday. "I don't know how he does it, but yesterday during warm-ups, he pointed at me, then Johnny [Cueto], then Francisco [Cordero], and said, '1.28, 1.37, 1.46,'" said Reds starter Edinson Volquez, who had minutes earlier challenged Maddux by betting that the 42-year-old veteran would "never in a million years" be able to guess his WHIP. "The man has a gift." Said Bronson Arroyo: "He sort of stared at me for a minute and said '1.58,' then said 'wait, no,' rubbed his chin a little, asked me to stand up straight, and then said '1.59.' I don't know what my posture has to do with how many runners I allow on base, but I'll be damned if he wasn't exactly right." Pirates starter Tom Gorzelanny is not looking forward to his team's upcoming series against the Padres, as he has been lying about his 1.83 WHIP all season to impress his teammates.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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