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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Report: Growing Number Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Collaborating On Song With Pitbull

Tens of thousands of Americans say they are only able to pay their bills by shouting hooks in both Spanish and English on a Pitbull single.
Tens of thousands of Americans say they are only able to pay their bills by shouting hooks in both Spanish and English on a Pitbull single.

MIAMI—In a further sign that the sluggish economic recovery continues to pose a challenge to the nation’s workforce, a report published Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Labor revealed that a growing number of Americans have had to resort to collaborating on songs with Cuban-American rapper Pitbull in order to make ends meet.

The paper, which attributed its findings to stagnant wages and lackluster job growth, confirmed that many poor and middle-class Americans have little choice but to pick up additional work with the chart-topping recording artist, often by contributing backing vocals, writing lyrics, producing Latin-infused beats, or repeatedly shouting the name “Pitbull” in studio sound booths as a means of providing for their families in this challenging economic climate.

“Since the stock market crash and housing sector collapse in 2008, we’ve seen a staggering increase in the number of Americans who are putting in long, demanding hours behind the mixing console with hip-hop sensation Pitbull,” said economist Jared Coan, lead author of the report. “While in decades past a single salary was enough to support a family of four, we are now finding that many breadwinners, out of financial necessity, are seeking out additional work laying down guest verses on dance-rap studio tracks like ‘Timber’ or any one of a number of its club mixes.”

“Most of these people are working a full day at their 9-to-5 jobs and then heading right into the RCA Records studio to program electronic drums for a Pitbull–Rick Ross collaboration until the early morning,” Coan continued. “Then, if they’re lucky, they have time to grab a couple hours of sleep before waking up the next day and doing it all over again.”

Faced with mounting credit card debt, surging health care costs, and in many cases pricey college tuition for their children, citizens across the country are feeling compelled to supplement their take-home pay by joining Pitbull—also known as Mr. Worldwide—on recording dates and the occasional live performance on the Planet Pit World Tour, Coan said. Specifically, survey data indicate that tens of thousands of Americans—from cashiers and food service workers, to those in formerly solid middle-class jobs, like automotive workers and insurance salespeople—have to juggle their day jobs with playing claves on a Spanish-language version of “Hotel Room Service,” spitting freestyle bars alongside guest hip-hop artists such as Flo Rida and T-Pain, and gesticulating toward the camera while filming a music video for “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)” or “Maldito Alcohol.”

Furthermore, the report found that many single parents are having to balance their family obligations with the financial necessity of working late nights arranging diss tracks directed against Lil’ Wayne just to put food on the table, a trend that Coan called “all too typical” in the current economy.

“Over the past seven years, we’ve seen a steady decline in real median household income in the United States, which corresponds with an equally sharp rise in the number of Americans finding samples for bouncing, house-music-inspired dance hall songs, such as ‘Don’t Stop the Party’ or all the singles off the Meltdown EP,” Coan said. “And given that rent payments and food and transportation costs have only risen, it appears these individuals will simply have to continue putting in full days at one job and then immediately don white linen suits and open-collar dress shirts so they can shoot a Bud Light commercial alongside Pitbull and his entourage.”

When surveyed, most Americans confirmed they had few economic options, and stated that rapping alongside Pitbull was simply something they had to do to scrape by. However, many pointed to the unfulfilling and arduous nature of their efforts, with only a small minority of the respondents saying they receive health insurance or producer credits for their exhausting work with the Latin-American hip-hop artist.

“Between my job at a home improvement store, painting houses on the weekends, and shouting ‘Miami Beach’ through an Auto-Tune filter until I’m hoarse, I’m barely keeping my head above water,” said 42-year-old Michael Erickson of Scottsdale, AZ, who noted that he’s grateful to even have the opportunity to pick up a handful of hours with Pitbull every week given the amount of musical collaboration work that lately has gone to overseas workers or Pharrell. “Clocking out of my regular job at 5 and then flying off to Las Vegas to serve as Pitbull’s hype man at the Billboard Music Awards isn’t easy, but it’s just a sacrifice I have to make if I have any chance of paying off my mortgage.”

“It’s hard—I come home late every night soaked in champagne and I’m just too exhausted to spend time with my kids,” he continued. “But the fact is that I’m doing this so that someday they won’t have to.”

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