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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Guy Just Put 10 Bucks In Jukebox

EAST LANSING, MI—Gold Mine Bar & Grill sources report that, just as you got change back from the two pitchers you ordered, some guy walked up to the jukebox and methodically slid in two fives, an amount of money sufficient to play 40 songs. "Well, that's it for me," said one of the regulars, who was just finishing his drink anyway, as the jukebox guy's girlfriend came over to help him pick. "Look at this guy. There aren't even 25 good songs on there." As of press time, the guy had just asked the bartender to mute the TV as Meatloaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" began its first of three eventual plays.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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