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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Report: Guy Just Put 10 Bucks In Jukebox

EAST LANSING, MI—Gold Mine Bar & Grill sources report that, just as you got change back from the two pitchers you ordered, some guy walked up to the jukebox and methodically slid in two fives, an amount of money sufficient to play 40 songs. “Well, that’s it for me,” said one of the regulars, who was just finishing his drink anyway, as the jukebox guy’s girlfriend came over to help him pick. “Look at this guy. There aren’t even 25 good songs on there.” As of press time, the guy had just asked the bartender to mute the TV as Meatloaf’s “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” began its first of three eventual plays.

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