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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Report: Guy Just Put 10 Bucks In Jukebox

EAST LANSING, MI—Gold Mine Bar & Grill sources report that, just as you got change back from the two pitchers you ordered, some guy walked up to the jukebox and methodically slid in two fives, an amount of money sufficient to play 40 songs. "Well, that's it for me," said one of the regulars, who was just finishing his drink anyway, as the jukebox guy's girlfriend came over to help him pick. "Look at this guy. There aren't even 25 good songs on there." As of press time, the guy had just asked the bartender to mute the TV as Meatloaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" began its first of three eventual plays.

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