Report: Half Of All Americans Probably Should Have Thought Of That Before They Opened Their Mouth

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Vol 50 Issue 22

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu

After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
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Report: Half Of All Americans Probably Should Have Thought Of That Before They Opened Their Mouth

WASHINGTON—Evaluating millions of randomly selected conversations held over the course of a one-year period, a new report released Thursday by the Brookings Institution confirmed that nearly half of all Americans probably should have thought of that before they opened their mouth. “We discovered that in 47 percent of our cases it didn’t even cross the subject’s mind to consider that before running their damn yap,” said lead researcher Paul Joyner, adding that the investigation found in nearly all instances examined that it’s already out there and now there’s no way in hell to take it back. “Furthermore, the evidence strongly indicates half of all Americans would not have a foot in their mouth right now if they didn’t always feel the need to have the last word. The findings also suggest 52 percent of the nation must feel like a bit of an ass right now.” The report concluded less than 1 percent of Americans would remember any of this before once again blurting out the first stupid thing that came to their mind.

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