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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: Half Of All Americans Probably Should Have Thought Of That Before They Opened Their Mouth

WASHINGTON—Evaluating millions of randomly selected conversations held over the course of a one-year period, a new report released Thursday by the Brookings Institution confirmed that nearly half of all Americans probably should have thought of that before they opened their mouth. “We discovered that in 47 percent of our cases it didn’t even cross the subject’s mind to consider that before running their damn yap,” said lead researcher Paul Joyner, adding that the investigation found in nearly all instances examined that it’s already out there and now there’s no way in hell to take it back. “Furthermore, the evidence strongly indicates half of all Americans would not have a foot in their mouth right now if they didn’t always feel the need to have the last word. The findings also suggest 52 percent of the nation must feel like a bit of an ass right now.” The report concluded less than 1 percent of Americans would remember any of this before once again blurting out the first stupid thing that came to their mind.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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