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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Half Of All Americans Probably Should Have Thought Of That Before They Opened Their Mouth

WASHINGTON—Evaluating millions of randomly selected conversations held over the course of a one-year period, a new report released Thursday by the Brookings Institution confirmed that nearly half of all Americans probably should have thought of that before they opened their mouth. “We discovered that in 47 percent of our cases it didn’t even cross the subject’s mind to consider that before running their damn yap,” said lead researcher Paul Joyner, adding that the investigation found in nearly all instances examined that it’s already out there and now there’s no way in hell to take it back. “Furthermore, the evidence strongly indicates half of all Americans would not have a foot in their mouth right now if they didn’t always feel the need to have the last word. The findings also suggest 52 percent of the nation must feel like a bit of an ass right now.” The report concluded less than 1 percent of Americans would remember any of this before once again blurting out the first stupid thing that came to their mind.

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