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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Report: Holy Shit, There Still 50 Minutes Left In Movie

EDGEMONT, PA—Expressing shock that the film he was watching somehow did not yet seem to be reaching its conclusion, area man Tyler Smith, 33, reported Tuesday that, holy shit, there are somehow still 50 minutes left in the movie. “This thing has been going on forever—how could there still be almost an hour left?” said Smith, who had expected the film to be 10 or 15 minutes from finishing when he checked his watch, instead finding that, Jesus Christ, the thing was barely halfway done. “I thought for sure it was wrapping up after that last scene, but we’re not even close. What can even happen for another 50 minutes? Why don’t they just, like, stop right now?” At press time, the movie had finally concluded, and a visibly moved Smith told reporters that, fucking hell, he just wanted to cry.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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