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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale

PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where they can no longer hear anything college basketball commentator Dick Vitale says. "It's amazing the ways our genome will adapt to help us survive," said lead researcher Dr. Ramona Collier, who designed a study subjecting 540 undergraduate students to recordings of Vitale's commentary and frozen-pizza commercials. "Humans whose auditory systems can't process Vitale’s voice aren’t distracted by his overzealous yelling, repetitive catchphrase usage, or weak, unfocused analysis. Consequently, they are more alert to potential threats, opportunities to reproduce, and other information vital to their lives." Collier suggested it is surprising Vitale himself has not yet been thinned from the herd, as he makes an easy target for predators who can hear his shrieks, spot his flailing arms, and smell his unabashed bias toward Duke.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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