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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale

PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where they can no longer hear anything college basketball commentator Dick Vitale says. "It's amazing the ways our genome will adapt to help us survive," said lead researcher Dr. Ramona Collier, who designed a study subjecting 540 undergraduate students to recordings of Vitale's commentary and frozen-pizza commercials. "Humans whose auditory systems can't process Vitale’s voice aren’t distracted by his overzealous yelling, repetitive catchphrase usage, or weak, unfocused analysis. Consequently, they are more alert to potential threats, opportunities to reproduce, and other information vital to their lives." Collier suggested it is surprising Vitale himself has not yet been thinned from the herd, as he makes an easy target for predators who can hear his shrieks, spot his flailing arms, and smell his unabashed bias toward Duke.

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