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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale

PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where they can no longer hear anything college basketball commentator Dick Vitale says. "It's amazing the ways our genome will adapt to help us survive," said lead researcher Dr. Ramona Collier, who designed a study subjecting 540 undergraduate students to recordings of Vitale's commentary and frozen-pizza commercials. "Humans whose auditory systems can't process Vitale’s voice aren’t distracted by his overzealous yelling, repetitive catchphrase usage, or weak, unfocused analysis. Consequently, they are more alert to potential threats, opportunities to reproduce, and other information vital to their lives." Collier suggested it is surprising Vitale himself has not yet been thinned from the herd, as he makes an easy target for predators who can hear his shrieks, spot his flailing arms, and smell his unabashed bias toward Duke.

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