adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale

PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where they can no longer hear anything college basketball commentator Dick Vitale says. "It's amazing the ways our genome will adapt to help us survive," said lead researcher Dr. Ramona Collier, who designed a study subjecting 540 undergraduate students to recordings of Vitale's commentary and frozen-pizza commercials. "Humans whose auditory systems can't process Vitale’s voice aren’t distracted by his overzealous yelling, repetitive catchphrase usage, or weak, unfocused analysis. Consequently, they are more alert to potential threats, opportunities to reproduce, and other information vital to their lives." Collier suggested it is surprising Vitale himself has not yet been thinned from the herd, as he makes an easy target for predators who can hear his shrieks, spot his flailing arms, and smell his unabashed bias toward Duke.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close