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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Report: Imagine How Good It Would Feel To Just Crawl Back Into Bed Right Now

WASHINGTON—Citing its seductive warmth and utter remove from the demands and stresses of your daily life, a new study released today from the Pew Research Center has found that, man, wouldn’t it be incredible to just crawl back under the covers of your big, soft bed at this exact moment and just stay there for hours and hours? “Picture yourself cocooned in that fluffy comforter in your quiet, darkened bedroom, far away from everything and everyone surrounding you,” read the report in part, adding that “you need to close your eyes right now, at your desk or wherever you are, and really let yourself go to this place for a moment.” “Just sink into that pillow and let yourself drift off to sleep in total contentment. That’s it. That’s a baby. Shh. Don’t think. Just let your imagination transport you.” The report went on to further indicate how wonderful it would be, in fact, if you could close your eyes, fall into a deep, peaceful slumber, and never wake up again.

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