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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: Imagine How Good It Would Feel To Just Crawl Back Into Bed Right Now

WASHINGTON—Citing its seductive warmth and utter remove from the demands and stresses of your daily life, a new study released today from the Pew Research Center has found that, man, wouldn’t it be incredible to just crawl back under the covers of your big, soft bed at this exact moment and just stay there for hours and hours? “Picture yourself cocooned in that fluffy comforter in your quiet, darkened bedroom, far away from everything and everyone surrounding you,” read the report in part, adding that “you need to close your eyes right now, at your desk or wherever you are, and really let yourself go to this place for a moment.” “Just sink into that pillow and let yourself drift off to sleep in total contentment. That’s it. That’s a baby. Shh. Don’t think. Just let your imagination transport you.” The report went on to further indicate how wonderful it would be, in fact, if you could close your eyes, fall into a deep, peaceful slumber, and never wake up again.

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