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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: Injuries On Rise As More MLB Players Sliding Headfirst Into Dugout

NEW YORK—According to a report released by the MLB league office Friday, injuries have significantly risen this season as a direct result of more players opting to slide headfirst into the dugout. “Concussions, dislocated shoulders, and season-ending bone fractures are just some of what we’ve seen this year as an increasing number of players are diving headfirst into the dugout at full speed,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, adding that the practice has resulted in a slew of serious injuries to not only the player sliding, but also teammates and coaches occupying the dugout. "While it’s not technically breaking any rules of the game, we are considering measures to outlaw the practice entirely. We’ve simply seen too many instances of players being overzealous and slamming their backs against the concrete wall above the bench or accidentally taking out a group of teammates leaning on the railing.” Selig added that the league is also considering improving safety by banning outfield players from launching themselves cleat-first into the stands with both feet while attempting to catch a foul ball.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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