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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Report: Injuries On Rise As More MLB Players Sliding Headfirst Into Dugout

NEW YORK—According to a report released by the MLB league office Friday, injuries have significantly risen this season as a direct result of more players opting to slide headfirst into the dugout. “Concussions, dislocated shoulders, and season-ending bone fractures are just some of what we’ve seen this year as an increasing number of players are diving headfirst into the dugout at full speed,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, adding that the practice has resulted in a slew of serious injuries to not only the player sliding, but also teammates and coaches occupying the dugout. "While it’s not technically breaking any rules of the game, we are considering measures to outlaw the practice entirely. We’ve simply seen too many instances of players being overzealous and slamming their backs against the concrete wall above the bench or accidentally taking out a group of teammates leaning on the railing.” Selig added that the league is also considering improving safety by banning outfield players from launching themselves cleat-first into the stands with both feet while attempting to catch a foul ball.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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