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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Report: It Not Worth Staying Past Fifth Inning Of 83% Of Baseball Games

EAST LANSING, MI—According to a report published Wednesday by researchers at Michigan State University, staying past the fifth inning of 83 percent of baseball games is usually pretty pointless. “After about five innings, you’ve basically had the whole baseball experience,” said the study’s leader Michael Kernfield, who added that remaining at a baseball game until the ninth inning is completely impractical 99 percent of the time. “You’ve seen some pitches, you’ve seen some outs, and maybe you’ve seen some hits. At that point, you can tell who’s going to win, and if you can’t, who cares? It’s hot out and traffic’s only going to get worse later. Best to just get out of the parking lot, get home, and enjoy a nice, relaxing evening.” The same report revealed that watching even one inning of a Kansas City Royals game was invariably “a colossal fucking waste of time.”

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