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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Report: It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About Cleveland Browns

CLEVELAND—Though the team has yet to play a single game, a report published Thursday by Sports Illustrated football writer Peter King confirmed that it is not yet too early to be pessimistic about the Cleveland Browns this season. "In years past, it might have made sense to wait until they started out with a five-game losing streak to declare the season over, but clearly the time to give up on the Browns is now," said King, whose report determined Cleveland has "all the right pieces in place" to start getting blown out immediately in week one. "This is a team that is absolutely beyond hope, trusting their offense to a rookie quarterback who will turn 29 in October and a banged-up rookie running back. And with all the injuries in the defense, you'd be crazy not to have a completely bleak outlook on this shit team." While acknowledging the Browns are a perennial favorite for worst team in the league, the report concluded the floor of their potential is now lower than ever and, with a little luck, 2012 could be the year they finally put together a whole season without a single win.

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