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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Report: It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About Cleveland Browns

CLEVELAND—Though the team has yet to play a single game, a report published Thursday by Sports Illustrated football writer Peter King confirmed that it is not yet too early to be pessimistic about the Cleveland Browns this season. "In years past, it might have made sense to wait until they started out with a five-game losing streak to declare the season over, but clearly the time to give up on the Browns is now," said King, whose report determined Cleveland has "all the right pieces in place" to start getting blown out immediately in week one. "This is a team that is absolutely beyond hope, trusting their offense to a rookie quarterback who will turn 29 in October and a banged-up rookie running back. And with all the injuries in the defense, you'd be crazy not to have a completely bleak outlook on this shit team." While acknowledging the Browns are a perennial favorite for worst team in the league, the report concluded the floor of their potential is now lower than ever and, with a little luck, 2012 could be the year they finally put together a whole season without a single win.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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