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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Report: It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About Cleveland Browns

CLEVELAND—Though the team has yet to play a single game, a report published Thursday by Sports Illustrated football writer Peter King confirmed that it is not yet too early to be pessimistic about the Cleveland Browns this season. "In years past, it might have made sense to wait until they started out with a five-game losing streak to declare the season over, but clearly the time to give up on the Browns is now," said King, whose report determined Cleveland has "all the right pieces in place" to start getting blown out immediately in week one. "This is a team that is absolutely beyond hope, trusting their offense to a rookie quarterback who will turn 29 in October and a banged-up rookie running back. And with all the injuries in the defense, you'd be crazy not to have a completely bleak outlook on this shit team." While acknowledging the Browns are a perennial favorite for worst team in the league, the report concluded the floor of their potential is now lower than ever and, with a little luck, 2012 could be the year they finally put together a whole season without a single win.

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