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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About Cleveland Browns

CLEVELAND—Though the team has yet to play a single game, a report published Thursday by Sports Illustrated football writer Peter King confirmed that it is not yet too early to be pessimistic about the Cleveland Browns this season. "In years past, it might have made sense to wait until they started out with a five-game losing streak to declare the season over, but clearly the time to give up on the Browns is now," said King, whose report determined Cleveland has "all the right pieces in place" to start getting blown out immediately in week one. "This is a team that is absolutely beyond hope, trusting their offense to a rookie quarterback who will turn 29 in October and a banged-up rookie running back. And with all the injuries in the defense, you'd be crazy not to have a completely bleak outlook on this shit team." While acknowledging the Browns are a perennial favorite for worst team in the league, the report concluded the floor of their potential is now lower than ever and, with a little luck, 2012 could be the year they finally put together a whole season without a single win.

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