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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Report: Jack Black's Life More Valuable Than Yours If It Ever Comes Down To It

ITHACA, NY—According to a new study by Cornell University, in any conceivable scenario in which a person would have to choose between saving your life or that of actor-comedian Jack Black, the Shallow Hal star would live and you would die. “In countless hypothetical ‘lifeboat’ scenarios, our research indicates that you are ultimately more expendable, because when it comes down to it, Jack Black’s life is more important to people than your own,” the study’s lead author Dr. Thomas Malden told reporters Monday, adding that if, for example, the world were coming to an end and there were one space left in an underground bunker, the actor who appeared in The Holiday would be on a government “save” list, and you would have to fend for yourself. “Although you are pretty good in your own way, Jack Black has simply made a much stronger case for his continued existence. Sorry.” Malden added that while the choice was far more difficult during the weekend when you helped your friend move and Gulliver’s Travels opened in theaters, Black nonetheless retained his preferred status.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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