Report: Jack Black's Life More Valuable Than Yours If It Ever Comes Down To It

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Report: Jack Black's Life More Valuable Than Yours If It Ever Comes Down To It

ITHACA, NY—According to a new study by Cornell University, in any conceivable scenario in which a person would have to choose between saving your life or that of actor-comedian Jack Black, the Shallow Hal star would live and you would die. “In countless hypothetical ‘lifeboat’ scenarios, our research indicates that you are ultimately more expendable, because when it comes down to it, Jack Black’s life is more important to people than your own,” the study’s lead author Dr. Thomas Malden told reporters Monday, adding that if, for example, the world were coming to an end and there were one space left in an underground bunker, the actor who appeared in The Holiday would be on a government “save” list, and you would have to fend for yourself. “Although you are pretty good in your own way, Jack Black has simply made a much stronger case for his continued existence. Sorry.” Malden added that while the choice was far more difficult during the weekend when you helped your friend move and Gulliver’s Travels opened in theaters, Black nonetheless retained his preferred status.

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