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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Report: Jessica Milly Has Put Out

Gibson's house. Milly is believed to still be inside, though sources are unsure if she is done putting out for tonight.
Gibson's house. Milly is believed to still be inside, though sources are unsure if she is done putting out for tonight.

DEARBORN, MI—Sources are confirming that at 8:45 p.m. this evening, Thomas E. Dewey High School junior Jessica Milly officially put out. Though many had predicted she would finally give it up to her boyfriend Josh Gibson this Friday, those close to the 17-year-old said Milly "just wanted to get it over with already" and went all the way with Gibson at his house approximately 15 minutes after his parents left to watch his little sister Emma's dance recital. At press time, text messages to Milly asking, "How was it?" "How many times?" and "Condom?" have not been answered.

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