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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Report: Jessica Milly Has Put Out

Gibson's house. Milly is believed to still be inside, though sources are unsure if she is done putting out for tonight.
Gibson's house. Milly is believed to still be inside, though sources are unsure if she is done putting out for tonight.

DEARBORN, MI—Sources are confirming that at 8:45 p.m. this evening, Thomas E. Dewey High School junior Jessica Milly officially put out. Though many had predicted she would finally give it up to her boyfriend Josh Gibson this Friday, those close to the 17-year-old said Milly "just wanted to get it over with already" and went all the way with Gibson at his house approximately 15 minutes after his parents left to watch his little sister Emma's dance recital. At press time, text messages to Milly asking, "How was it?" "How many times?" and "Condom?" have not been answered.

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