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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days

BLOOMINGTON, IN—According to a study published Wednesday by researchers who aren’t trying to freak you out or anything but just thought you ought to know, your now-17-year-old younger sister is probably getting laid pretty regularly these days. “Our results suggest you should face the fact that your sister is almost certainly having sex at least three to four times a week, and has no doubt been boned by at least two members of the basketball team,” read the 90-page report, which indicated that the sibling you walked to school when she was a first-grader is now a teenage girl who has a boyfriend—just saying—and that you can’t honestly pretend you didn’t see this coming. “Following a multiple regression analysis taking into account that your little sister (1) is a high school senior, (2) has always been cute, and (3) has, admit it, gotten seriously hot in the past couple years, our study concludes she can, in all likelihood, get laid anytime she wants to, and is basically at the point of turning dick away by now. Just wanted to throw that out there.” Data from the study also indicate that hey, while we’re at it, you might as well know your little brother isn’t doing too bad, either.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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