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Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days

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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
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Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days

BLOOMINGTON, IN—According to a study published Wednesday by researchers who aren’t trying to freak you out or anything but just thought you ought to know, your now-17-year-old younger sister is probably getting laid pretty regularly these days. “Our results suggest you should face the fact that your sister is almost certainly having sex at least three to four times a week, and has no doubt been boned by at least two members of the basketball team,” read the 90-page report, which indicated that the sibling you walked to school when she was a first-grader is now a teenage girl who has a boyfriend—just saying—and that you can’t honestly pretend you didn’t see this coming. “Following a multiple regression analysis taking into account that your little sister (1) is a high school senior, (2) has always been cute, and (3) has, admit it, gotten seriously hot in the past couple years, our study concludes she can, in all likelihood, get laid anytime she wants to, and is basically at the point of turning dick away by now. Just wanted to throw that out there.” Data from the study also indicate that hey, while we’re at it, you might as well know your little brother isn’t doing too bad, either.

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