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Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days

BLOOMINGTON, IN—According to a study published Wednesday by researchers who aren’t trying to freak you out or anything but just thought you ought to know, your now-17-year-old younger sister is probably getting laid pretty regularly these days. “Our results suggest you should face the fact that your sister is almost certainly having sex at least three to four times a week, and has no doubt been boned by at least two members of the basketball team,” read the 90-page report, which indicated that the sibling you walked to school when she was a first-grader is now a teenage girl who has a boyfriend—just saying—and that you can’t honestly pretend you didn’t see this coming. “Following a multiple regression analysis taking into account that your little sister (1) is a high school senior, (2) has always been cute, and (3) has, admit it, gotten seriously hot in the past couple years, our study concludes she can, in all likelihood, get laid anytime she wants to, and is basically at the point of turning dick away by now. Just wanted to throw that out there.” Data from the study also indicate that hey, while we’re at it, you might as well know your little brother isn’t doing too bad, either.

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