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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Report: Kevin Durant’s Success Could Lead To More NBA Teams Drafting Tall Players

NEW YORK—Several NBA scouts confirmed Monday that Thunder forward Kevin Durant's recent success in both the regular season and playoffs could prompt more teams to draft very tall players. "We've been following Kevin Durant very closely to see how the Thunder's 'tall-player experiment' would work out, and we've come to the conclusion that players 6-foot-8 and above have the potential to be very effective in the NBA," said Minnesota Timberwolves scout Brent Haskins, acknowledging that many basketball skeptics believed Durant’s tallness would be a disadvantage on the court and that his closeness to the rim would impede his ability to score. "This is a whole new model for the league and could play into the draft quite a bit. We are definitely thinking about going with someone tall this time around." Cleveland Cavaliers scout Trent Redden said that based on Glen "Big Baby" Davis' poor performance in the playoffs, fewer NBA teams would probably draft fat, useless fucks.

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