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Report: Last Time Anyone Actually Rose To The Occasion Was 2002

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Report: Last Time Anyone Actually Rose To The Occasion Was 2002

WASHINGTON—Noting that not one person over the past decade has succeeded in approaching a personal or professional challenge head-on and tackling it, a new study by the Pew Research Center has found the last time anyone actually rose to the occasion was in 2002. “Research indicates that the last instance of any person on earth actually stepping up and getting something done in a way that met or exceeded expectations was Mark Rubin in April, 2002,” lead author Dr. Henry Glosser said of the California man, who, when asked to the movies by a friend, proceeded to communicate travel arrangements clearly and accurately, purchase tickets to the correct show time in advance, and arrive at the theater with enough time to find better-than-average seats and use the restroom before the start of opening credits. “There have been a few occasions in the last 10 years when people have come very close to meeting the moment and succeeding on all fronts—including a local father who attended nearly all of his son’s baseball game, a local fundraising organization that raised about 70 percent of their goal to buy new school textbooks, and a few actors whose performances were slightly more entertaining than movie reviews had indicated—but aside from that, we haven’t found a single instance in which someone actually carried out a task from start to finish in a way that wasn’t, ultimately, somewhat flawed and underwhelming at best.” Researchers added that in corroboration of their findings, they documented a record 32.5 billion occasions of complete and utter fuckups in the past two weeks alone.

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