adBlockCheck

Report: Last Time Anyone Actually Rose To The Occasion Was 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Report: Last Time Anyone Actually Rose To The Occasion Was 2002

WASHINGTON—Noting that not one person over the past decade has succeeded in approaching a personal or professional challenge head-on and tackling it, a new study by the Pew Research Center has found the last time anyone actually rose to the occasion was in 2002. “Research indicates that the last instance of any person on earth actually stepping up and getting something done in a way that met or exceeded expectations was Mark Rubin in April, 2002,” lead author Dr. Henry Glosser said of the California man, who, when asked to the movies by a friend, proceeded to communicate travel arrangements clearly and accurately, purchase tickets to the correct show time in advance, and arrive at the theater with enough time to find better-than-average seats and use the restroom before the start of opening credits. “There have been a few occasions in the last 10 years when people have come very close to meeting the moment and succeeding on all fronts—including a local father who attended nearly all of his son’s baseball game, a local fundraising organization that raised about 70 percent of their goal to buy new school textbooks, and a few actors whose performances were slightly more entertaining than movie reviews had indicated—but aside from that, we haven’t found a single instance in which someone actually carried out a task from start to finish in a way that wasn’t, ultimately, somewhat flawed and underwhelming at best.” Researchers added that in corroboration of their findings, they documented a record 32.5 billion occasions of complete and utter fuckups in the past two weeks alone.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close