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Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride

LENOX, MA—Citing the pair’s apparent lack of regular communication and a general sense they had grown apart, bridal party sources confirmed Friday that Lindsay Kirkpatrick’s maid of honor, Allison Weiler, isn’t even all that good of friends with the bride, at least not since they were in college and even then you wouldn’t have said they were best friends or anything. “Alli? Really? Alli lives in Denver and they see each other like twice a year,” said Jess, 27, a reportedly super-close friend of Kirkpatrick’s, who went on to add that, yes, Lindsay obviously has a solid friendship with Alli, especially since they studied abroad together in Barcelona, but in the years since they graduated Jess, Kate, and Linds have become extremely close, noting that all three just went to New Orleans for a friends’ weekend and Linds never even mentioned inviting Alli. “Alli’s great, sure. And it’ll be so good to see her. But maid of honor? Am I missing something? I seriously don’t even remember the last time Linds brought her up in conversation. Lindsay talks to Tina more than Alli.” Bridal party sources added, I mean, Tina.

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