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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride

LENOX, MA—Citing the pair’s apparent lack of regular communication and a general sense they had grown apart, bridal party sources confirmed Friday that Lindsay Kirkpatrick’s maid of honor, Allison Weiler, isn’t even all that good of friends with the bride, at least not since they were in college and even then you wouldn’t have said they were best friends or anything. “Alli? Really? Alli lives in Denver and they see each other like twice a year,” said Jess, 27, a reportedly super-close friend of Kirkpatrick’s, who went on to add that, yes, Lindsay obviously has a solid friendship with Alli, especially since they studied abroad together in Barcelona, but in the years since they graduated Jess, Kate, and Linds have become extremely close, noting that all three just went to New Orleans for a friends’ weekend and Linds never even mentioned inviting Alli. “Alli’s great, sure. And it’ll be so good to see her. But maid of honor? Am I missing something? I seriously don’t even remember the last time Linds brought her up in conversation. Lindsay talks to Tina more than Alli.” Bridal party sources added, I mean, Tina.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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