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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride

LENOX, MA—Citing the pair’s apparent lack of regular communication and a general sense they had grown apart, bridal party sources confirmed Friday that Lindsay Kirkpatrick’s maid of honor, Allison Weiler, isn’t even all that good of friends with the bride, at least not since they were in college and even then you wouldn’t have said they were best friends or anything. “Alli? Really? Alli lives in Denver and they see each other like twice a year,” said Jess, 27, a reportedly super-close friend of Kirkpatrick’s, who went on to add that, yes, Lindsay obviously has a solid friendship with Alli, especially since they studied abroad together in Barcelona, but in the years since they graduated Jess, Kate, and Linds have become extremely close, noting that all three just went to New Orleans for a friends’ weekend and Linds never even mentioned inviting Alli. “Alli’s great, sure. And it’ll be so good to see her. But maid of honor? Am I missing something? I seriously don’t even remember the last time Linds brought her up in conversation. Lindsay talks to Tina more than Alli.” Bridal party sources added, I mean, Tina.

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