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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Report: Majority Of Diner’s Salt And Pepper Shakers Currently Being Used To Diagram Elaborately Planned Bank Heists

TRENTON, NJ—According to sources at the Tip Top Diner, at least 80 percent of the restaurant’s salt and pepper shakers are currently being used by shifty-eyed patrons to map out elaborate bank heists. Among the diner’s 26 tables, roughly half were using one shaker to represent armed guards and one for the heist crew, while the other half—periodically scanning their surroundings for eavesdroppers—were sliding sugar packets across the table to illustrate the movement of a getaway car. According to sources, one table had reportedly gone so far as to assemble a rough layout of the bank’s interior using their coffee cups and cutlery, arranging an assortment of single-serving jams and butters into the rough outline of a bank vault. At press time, 30 percent of the diner’s customers had accidentally knocked over their entire setups after being caught off guard by the check.

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