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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Report: Majority Of Diner’s Salt And Pepper Shakers Currently Being Used To Diagram Elaborately Planned Bank Heists

TRENTON, NJ—According to sources at the Tip Top Diner, at least 80 percent of the restaurant’s salt and pepper shakers are currently being used by shifty-eyed patrons to map out elaborate bank heists. Among the diner’s 26 tables, roughly half were using one shaker to represent armed guards and one for the heist crew, while the other half—periodically scanning their surroundings for eavesdroppers—were sliding sugar packets across the table to illustrate the movement of a getaway car. According to sources, one table had reportedly gone so far as to assemble a rough layout of the bank’s interior using their coffee cups and cutlery, arranging an assortment of single-serving jams and butters into the rough outline of a bank vault. At press time, 30 percent of the diner’s customers had accidentally knocked over their entire setups after being caught off guard by the check.

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